“Asking about a stranger’s appearance is rude. (Where are your manners?) You really don’t need to know why my face looks like this. For you, it might be the first time you’ve seen someone with a facial difference. But for me, living with a facial difference – and your reactions – are my every day.”
Carly Findlay, 2017
“After writing about a number of rude encounters with people asking about my face recently, a few people suggested I get some business cards made up…”
Carly Findlay, August 2017
“Even though I share these experiences in writing and speaking, people still don’t seem to understand the impact. When a woman who laughed at my face at a concert, some people defended her – including her friends she was with (I believe they’re complicit in her rudeness). Even when I share content featuring others saying similar things about intrusive questions, they don’t get it. People ablesplain. They say curiosity is natural, or justify it by saying they ask questions of people, or excuse the behaviour due to mental illness. They want us to educate constantly, even when we’re tired. I feel these kinds of justifications are as tiring as the incidents themselves.”
Carly Findlay – A few thoughts on strangers’ curiosity about my appearance and the way it’s justified, August 2017
“For you, it might be the first time you’ve seen someone with a facial difference. You’re surprised, shocked, disgusted, pitying, curious, scared and even amused. I see the range of emotions on your face in the first few seconds of our interactions. Your face moves in slow motion. But for me, living with a facial difference, and your reactions – are my every day. And responding to rude, curious, and even sympathetic and concerned questions is tiring.”
Carly Findlay, Sydney Morning Herald, May 2017
“People forget their manners when talking to me and others with disabilities and facial difference. They unleash their thoughts and prejudices before engaging their brains.
‘Excuse me, can I ask you something?’
That’s the most predictable question I’m ever asked.
It’s often followed by the variations of these questions:
Have you been sunburnt?
What did you do to yourself?
Are you ok?
Are you wearing traditional African makeup?
Is that a Halloween costume?
Did you have micro dermabrasion?
Is there a cure for that?
That’s eczema, isn’t it?
Is it fatal?”
Carly Findlay, What if I asked you whether you can have sex? January 2016
“Before you go to ask someone about their appearance/disability, it’s important to consider how many times that person has been asked before. Because it’s very tiring. Just because you are curious, it doesn’t mean the curiosity needs to be satisfied with an explanation.”
Carly Findlay, September 2014
Carly’s an Australian appearance activist, public speaker and author. She’s written and spoken extensively about disability and intrusive questions, on her blog, for ABC radio, and the Sydney Morning Herald. She’s on Instagram and twitter as @carlyfindlay, and is the editor behind Growing Up Disabled in Australia.
What Happened to You? 